Tony, The Voice In His Head

From my Flash Fiction Collection.


He met her in a therapy session. She was tiny. He thought she looked like a frightened little mouse. But he liked her. Really liked her. So he summoned up all his courage and asked her out on a date. Tonight, at the local Italian. It was only two hours away and he was struggling to decide what to wear. He wished Tony was with him. Tony was the voice in his head.

Tony had been quiet lately.

He sat on the end of his bed and began to smile. He knew his friend was back. He heard his voice.

“Alright mate?”

“Tony, thank god. I thought you’d left for good.”

“Nah not me mate. Just keeping out of the way for a bit while you went through that stupid therapy shit.”

“You are so clever Tony. I thought that might be the reason. They told me you weren’t real, just something I made up to make excuses for my behaviour.”

“Wankers! What do they know? Anyway, that’s why I kept out of the way, give you a bit of space.”

“Cheers Tony, that’s really thoughtful. Glad to have you back now though.”

“So then. First date tonight, what you gonna wear?”

“I’ve got no idea Tony, can you help?”

“Sure mate, that’s why I’m here. I’ve got loads of experience in the babe department. Wear the lime green shirt, with the red corduroy trousers.”

“Won’t that be a bit loud?”

“Women love loud. Wear them with white trainers. You’ll also look cool. Women love cool.”

“Thanks Tony, anything else?”

“Yeah, wear a hat. The biggest you’ve got.”

“I’ve only got my fly fishing hat.”


“But why a hat?”

“Obvious. It’s eighty three degrees outside. The last thing she’ll expect is for you to wear a hat. It’ll be a big surprise. Women love surprises.”

“You’re right. I read one of those girlie magazines once and there was an article about how to keep your relationship alive. It said, keep surprising her. Thanks Tony.”

“You’re welcome.”

“Should I wear a tie?”

“Don’t be stupid. Not with a lime green shirt. Wear that yellow scarf your mum got you for Christmas. Women love yellow. It’s a feminine colour. Shows that you’ve got emotions. Women love an emotional man.”

“Great idea. I knew there would be a perfect time for that scarf.”

“Don’t even think about trimming up your nasal hair. Women love nasal hair. Makes you look like a real man. Woman love real men. Makes them feel safe.”

“Wow. You really are a one for the ladies Tony. I’d be lost without you.”

“When you’ve been with the amount of babes I have, it comes easy. Second nature.”

“What about the meal itself. What shall I order, Pasta?”

“Crazy idea. Just what everyone would expect in an Italian restaurant. Remember, surprise her. Ask the waiter if he has any Tapas.”

“That’s Spanish isn’t it?”

“Yep, she’ll be impressed. You’ll stand out in the crowd. No one else in that restaurant would dare to ask for Tapas. You’ll be bold. Woman love a bold man.”

“Cheers Tony. Before I get ready, any last suggestions.”

“Yeah, as soon as she takes her first mouthful of food, lean across the table and kiss her hard on the lips, try to get your tongue in her mouth as well.”

“While she’s eating?”

“Absolutely. It’s your first kiss. Women like to remember their first kiss. Give her something she’ll never forget.”

“That’s genius Tony. Thanks.”

“My pleasure mate. Just one other thing.”

“What’s that Tony?”

“You know that long thin boning knife in the kitchen?”

“Yeh, the one that I use to gut the fish?”

“That’s the one. Take it with you. Keep it somewhere out of sight.”

“Why’s that Tony?”

“Cos woman can be unpredictable and you don’t want to lose her do you?”

“No of course not Tony.”

“Then this is the way to make her yours forever.”

“Can you talk me through it Tony so that I don’t mess things up?”

“That’s what I’m here for mate. If during the evening she decides to leave for any reason. Pay the bill then follow her. Wait till she’s somewhere quiet then use the knife. Hide her somewhere safe then go and get the car. Bring her back here. Then she’ll always be yours.”

“Brilliant Tony. What if it goes well and we finish the meal?”

“Even better. Invite her back here for coffee, then use the knife. Easy.”

“You are one great bloke Tony. Thank you.”

“My pleasure mate. Now you better hurry up and get ready. Don’t want to keep her waiting do you.”

He put on his red corduroy trousers, lime green shirt, white trainers, yellow scarf and fly fishing hat and walked into the kitchen. He took the seven inch boning knife from the drawer and very carefully slipped it under his sleeve.

“Tony, you still here?”

“Yes mate.”

“When I bring her back here to keep shall I put her in the spare room?”

“Yes mate put her in the spare room. She’ll be happy in there. The other two will keep her company. They’ll become friends. Woman love their friends.”

He closed the door and headed for the restaurant.








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