George was up early the next day. He was feeling good about himself. Argos had a sale on and the swing was only £19.99.
By 09.00 the swing was assembled and took pride of place on his manicured lawn.
Mildred of course was still in bed. She didn’t like to be disturbed until 09.30. Well, not by George anyway. The milkman always took up the milk to her around 06.30 and stayed till 07.00. Then the Postman delivered the post to her about 08.00, he also stayed for 30 minutes. They both had their own key. Mildred had insisted on it. “It will save you having to get up from your own bedroom and letting them in.” she told him. That’s what he loved about her. Always thinking of others.
Her breakfast was ready and George placed the bowl of offal delicacies on a tray and climbed the stairs to Mildred’s bedroom. He knocked and waited for her to give the usual command for him to enter.
“Okay bollock brains. In you come.”
George entered and placed the tray on the end of the bed. All the time he had his eyes closed.
He wasn’t allowed to look at Mildred until 11.00am. She was very self-conscious without her make up. Bless her.
“You’re late you fool. It’s 09.32!”
“Sorry darling, the lungs took longer to boil than usual this morning. But I’ve put some nice pieces of pig’s liver in it for you, raw of course. I know how much you enjoy your offal delicacies.”
He heard a man’s voice.
“Do you have company dear?”
“Yes I do George. Open your eyes.”
George did as he was told. Mildred was sitting up in bed. Beside her was a middle aged man with grey hair.
“Listen to me you good for nothing wally. I’ve gone off the idea of swinging. It seems like too much effort, besides I’d have to take you along with me and that would be embarrassing. So I’ve decided to have a threesome.”
George looked confused.
“But there’s only two of you in bed dear.”
“Do you think I’m stupid George? This is Mister Hartford. He’s schizophrenic.”
“Oh I see dear. Shall I bring up another bowl for Mister Hartford?”
“No. You can go now. Mister Hartford can have a nice nibble on my delicacies until we’re both completely satisfied.”
“That’s very kind of you dear.”
George left the room and closed the door behind him. Almost immediately he heard a loud slurping noise. Mister Hartford was obviously very hungry.
Back in the kitchen George started to daydream. He remembered the first time he set eyes on Mildred. It was the summer of 1971. A friend of his had persuaded him to attend a local fete. The spitting competition was about to start. Up walked the most beautiful creature he’d ever seen. He was suddenly aroused by the sound she made as she pulled up the phlegm from somewhere deep inside her. Twenty seven feet nine inches she made that spit travel. A world record even to this day. He adored her in the piggy back race. Not content with having just one person on her back she had six. All men, all over eighteen stone. She won that race by four seconds. Then there was tossing the caber. This was something she excelled at. How he wished he was Bobby Caber that day!
The day ended with the traditional dog fights. Something that’s banned nowadays. But back then it was the highlight of the fete. Mildred won of course, beating a twelve stone German Shepherd in the final.
A stinging sensation in his thigh made him come to his senses. Mildred had crept up on him from behind and lovingly stabbed him in the thigh.
“You daydreaming again you worthless piece of shit?”
“Sorry dear, miles away again.”
She looked out of the kitchen window and made that familiar snorting noise that she did when she was angry about something.
“What the fuck is that swing doing in my garden? Take it down immediately you moron. It’s obscuring the view of my abattoir!”