The new Energy and Climate Secretary was talking and Jack was pretending to listen. He smiled and nodded at the appropriate times but his thoughts were elsewhere. Out of the corner of his eye he was watching the Prime Minister. He was talking very fast and throwing his arms about like a windmill. Jack could imagine him bursting into song at any moment.
Jack was also trying to calculate how long it would be before he crashed. Six tablets was far too many for a novice like Harold Simpson. He’d feel magnificent for a short time, then he’d have a sudden rush of euphoria where he’d probably think he could fly but after that he’d come crashing down…hard.
The blues and greens would also make him thirsty. They had some kind of effect on the liver and kidneys which made you crave liquid. In Jack’s case it was always whisky, he’d noticed the PM sinking glass after glass of champagne. The bubbles would accelerate everything. Jack guessed it would all be over in an hour.
Another thing that troubled him was Roger. Why would Roger give him six tablets? Jack could understand Roger wanting to be helpful and rushing away to get tablets, but why six? Two would have been enough, four maximum, but six? It didn’t make any sense. He’d have to have a word with Roger in the morning.
But the most important thing on Jack’s mind was Harriet and how much hair did she have between her legs? He didn’t think for one moment that she would be fully shaved, and a Brazilian just didn’t seem her kind of thing either. He guessed that she would be tidy, yes, very tidy down below. He imagined a very short and tidy dark triangle. There was a tap on his shoulder, he turned round and saw Harriet smiling at him.
“A penny for them Jack, or do I have to call you Deputy Prime Minister from now on?”
She had a sparkle in her dark brown eyes that gave Jack an immediate tingle in his Y – Fronts.
“Ahh, the lovely Ms Knowles. Always Jack to you. And, a penny for what?”
“Your thoughts of course Jack, you looked like you were deep in thought.”
“If I told you Harriet, you might just want to slap my face.”
“Really? Try me. I’m a big girl now Jack not much shocks me anymore.”
“Okay, if you insist. I was wondering if you were bald, had a Brazilian or was just short and tidy.”
“Jack Winter you are encourageable!”
“Well you did ask!”
Harriet giggled and went slightly red around the cheeks.
“And I suppose you’re an expert on those kind of things are you Jack?”
Jack leaned over and whispered in her ear.
“I’ve licked so much pussy that I’m in danger of coughing up fur balls!”
Harriet had just taken a mouthful of champagne as Jack said the words. It made its way back through her nose at an alarming rate. She tried to compose herself but was laughing and coughing at the same time. Jack gave her the handkerchief from his jacket pocket so she could wipe her face.
“Jack Winter you are one VERY naughty man. Now I’ve got to go to the ladies room and compose myself.”
She gave Jack a sly wink as she walked away. The old Winter charm was working its magic.
Maurice Wells was calling him over, he looked worried. Jack made his way over to the back of the room.
“Have you seen the fucking state of the PM? He’s all over the place.”
Jack put on his worried look.
“I know Maurice. Too much champagne is my guess. I’ve noticed that he’s been knocking them back a bit quick.”
Maurice shook his head.
“I’m worried about him Jack. Why the fuck would he turn up to an occasion like this in Jeans and polo shirt? And where’s his fucking socks?”
“Maybe he thought it would make everyone feel at ease, you know, lighten up a bit.”
“Bollocks, he’s off his face. Oh shit, what the fucks he doing now!”
Jack turned round and saw the Prime Minister standing on a chair with his arms in the air.
“Can I have everyone’s attention please?”
Maurice looked at Jack.
“Let’s get him out of here before he does something stupid.”
They made their way through the crowd and reached the PM just before he was about to sing Delilah.
“Prime Minister you have to come with us, there’s an emergency that you need to attend to.”
Quickly but firmly they grabbed the PM by the arms and walked him out of the room, led him to his office and sat him in a chair.
Jack could see the crash was beginning. The PM’s eyes were glazed and he was shaking his arms and legs.
“Bloody pins and needles now. I felt great a few minutes ago and now I’ve got bloody pins and needles everywhere and another thing…”
He didn’t finish his sentence. He passed out.
Maurice let out a sigh of relief.
“Thank fuck for that. I’ll get his doctor to come over and make sure he’s okay. Hopefully it was just too much champagne and nothing more. But I’m not convinced. All this keep fit shit, forgetting to put his bloody clothes on, striding around the place all the time never sitting still and now getting as high as a kite on a few glasses of bubbly. I’ve seen the signs before, he could be heading for some kind of breakdown. I’ll get the doctor to do some tests. Can you go back to the room Jack and try to convince everyone that he’s been called away on some kind of emergency. Make up whatever shit you like, and if they say anything about his behaviour, just laugh it off and say he’s always like that. Most of them in that room don’t have a fucking clue anyway.
“Of course Maurice.”
Jack left Maurice with the PM and headed back to the reception. His first day as Deputy Prime Minister was a day that he would never forget.